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CRYING ON MY PARENTS’ GRAVE



- Come back. Even as a shadow. Even as a dream.- Euripides


        If you have to die and leave your children in this world, what do you want to pass on to your children? A huge house? A bunch of money to make them survive or just a beautiful memory?. I question this to myself every time someone passes away. I think too hard about what will happen to Gandhi, my son if I am gone forever. Will he be fine? Will he survive without a mother? I was thinking of saving a lot of money for him so he can live well. But does he really need that?


At what age is a child okay if the parent dies? The answer will be no age. My grandmother passed away at the age of 80es and my aunts burst into tears.


I think everyone must have the biggest fear in life. And mine is losing my parents. I always imagine my father died and left me but I didn't know it would be this hurt until it finally happened. If people said 2020 is the worst year ever, for me it is not shocking. Because I got the trial in 2019. Yes. I lost my beloved father in March 2019. It was a sudden death, almost without a hint. It was the greatest loss that I never predicted would happen in my life. In the first month after his death, everything was so empty. I cried every time I got a chance, anywhere. Everything looked so wrong. Then the doctor said I was pregnant. And then my life is full of happiness and sadness at the same time. I am happy after waiting for 2 years to be pregnant but also sad when I finally got pregnant, but my father was not here with me. But it looked like it’s not painful enough for me until God took my mom away seven months later. What a year!


It's been two years already, but my heart is still in pain. The only thing that relieves me of my parents’ death is that I know they will be fine and okay there. They are in the right hands, God. They are together with the only creature that I believe in in this world, God.


My parents don't have a gravestone for me to visit and cry on. We spread the ashes in the sea. So for me, they are gone. They left nothing. Just houses and some properties. For me it’s nothing. I cannot feel them in the house where my parents used to live.

It answers me that the house is just a house when they are gone.


My father deposited some money for me before passing away. But I don’t touch it at all. I don’t know why I am not excited about it even though I am broke. Again, it answers that money cannot replace somebody.


I don’t realize that all the annoying things that my parents always tag me on Facebook in the old-time can be this sweet now since it comes back every day as a Facebook memory.

My father used to send me quotes about books and random pictures. My mother always thought that any medication information was useful for me. And their silly and funny comments on my post are making me laugh and cry at the same time now.

It was so annoying before but now I am grateful for all of these cares and loves.

Thanks to the technology that brings all of these random memories every day. Then I can celebrate the longing for them.


I plan and promise to love my child(ren) in many different ways every time I can. I wish I can show this affection well and a lot to them because they should know and see how much I love them. So when I should go for forever, they will have pictures of us with stories that they can recall.


So, what will you pass on to your children?

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